I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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