He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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