my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
