I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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