Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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