if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
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