So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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