I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
