I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
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