when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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