why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize