you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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