I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
