haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
