How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
