Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
