Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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