life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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