shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
