tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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