I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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