It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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