Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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