so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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