your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
