Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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