my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
