You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
bring money and cleavage
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
