I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
