Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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