I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
