Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
