Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
