Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Randomize
