Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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