Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Farmville is her only friend.
I understand Curling. That high.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
