Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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