So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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