what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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