I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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