My liver just broke up with me...
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
