When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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