Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
