If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm both gender and math confused
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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