so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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