i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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