I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
