someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
