Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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