just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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