from now on my penis is your penis
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
