Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Yo dont text me then not text me
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
