I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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