She is in my trunk
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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