Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
