Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
you are never too drunk for berry picking
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
