I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
