i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
