I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
